Sunday, February 3, 2013

The Steamer Six-Pack: Super Bowl/Sick Contributors Edition Sponsored by Zima Pineapple Citrus

                              "Zomething different"

Disclaimer: Both myself and Bobby Platten are under the weather today, although we are steadfast in believing that answering the following six questions will only strengthen our respective legacies. Over the years, there have been numerous incidents where Cleveland sports bloggers have defined the odds and produced formidable material.  Who could ever forget the guy who runs Cleveland Frowns hurling up blood as he pounded away on his keyboard to let the world know how working at the Plain Dealer had absolutely corrupted Tony Grossi? With my eleven year vomit-free streak in severe jeopardy, here is your Steamer Six-Pack: Super Bowl/Sick Contributor Edition. And, as always, sponsored by Zima Pineapple Citrus. 

Question 1: Is the Super Bowl nowadays worthy of the massive hype, or has the hoopla officially gone completely overboard?

Bobby Platten: It has gone completely overboard. If you're a team playing in the game it has become more how are you going to handle the "noise" surrounding the game than it is how you are going to actually play in the damn game. 

Kevin Scheid: Regardless of how popular any event may currently be, NOTHING is deserving of this type of suffocating devotion. Modern America as a whole has become a culture of excess and redundancy, and the Super Bowl coverage perfectly embodies this trait. Between a week filled with a selective few narratives being shoved down the public's throat at every opportunity (The "Jerome Bettis is from Detroit!" storyline has thrown itself in front of a bus after its envy of Ray Lewis retirement segments was simply too unbearable.) and a Super Bowl pregame show long enough that Dan Marino's lovechild just turned 30 years old, it makes even hardcore NFL junkies like me completely resent the collective worship for the NFL.

Question 2: Which transpires first: Cleveland hosting a Super Bowl, or the Browns playing in a Super Bowl?

Bobby Platten: 
Browns playing in the Super Bowl. As crazy as that sounds. I just do not see Cleveland ever getting the Super Bowl. The outdoor super bowl in NYC is going to be disaster and I still say it is a little far-fetched that Haslam will be putting a dome over the stadium. I mean has an open-air stadium ever been converted to a dome before? Is this even possible? Even if JH3 pulls it off does anyone really believe the NFL will award the Super Bowl to Cleveland?

Kevin Scheid: Since Cleveland is stuck somewhere between Damascus, Syria and Atlantis on the NFL's list of Desired Super Bowl Locations, by default, the Browns playing in a Super Bowl is a likelier scenario. My hope of being able to watch the Browns win a Super Bowl with my grandfather grows dimmer every year, and my hunch tells me that my own grandchildren will share the same dream as the organization eventually approaches towards a full century of futility. 

Question 3: What is your favorite Super Bowl memory?

Bobby Platten: Too many to choose from. John Elway winning back to back in the 90s... Ray Lewis winning the MVP for Art Modell... The Steelers beating the Seahawks in one the most one sided officiated games I've ever seen... Watching Ben Roethlisberger throw a game winning TD pass to Santonio Holmes...Nipplegate.

Kevin Scheid: A tie between U2'S emotionally-charged halftime performance for the first Super Bowl following 9/11 and Bill Belichick storming off to the showers before the game clock expired as the Patriots' perfect season was dismantled by the Giants. 

Question 4: If you could invite any three people, dead or alive, to your Super Bowl party, who are you calling?

Bobby Platten: Jim Brown, Bernie Kosar and Tony Rizzo. (In my dreams..) More realistically my dad, brother and cousin.

Kevin Scheid: F. Scott Fitzgerald, a 25-year old Elizabeth Taylor and Mike Holmgren. Fitzgerald's French Onion dip is so delightful that it will "murder your darlings."

Question 5: Who wins the big game tonight and what is the final score?

Bobby Platten: 49ers 27 Ravens 20

Kevin Scheid: Ravens 23, 49ers 17

Question 6: Favorite member of each set of brothers: Harbaughs, Baldwins, Kennedys, Wayans, Scheids.

Bobby Platten: Jim. Alec. Bobby. Marlan. Adam.

Kevin Scheid: Fuck you, Bob....


Saturday, February 2, 2013

Allow Us To Reintroduce Ourselves....

                                         "WE ARE BAAACK!!!"

That's right, Cleveland's foremost authority on sports, self-loathing and snark has made a comeback of Lazarus-like proportions. And may I proudly add, without any assistance from deer-antler spray! During the website's hiatus a.k.a. The Crew's collective Reddit Gone Wild Plus addiction, the exhausting paradox that is Cleveland sports, ("The more things change, the more they remain the same.") remained relevant as ever. The failed quest for a franchise quarterback to don the orange and brown along with its subsequent agony and misfortune continue to rival only Captain Ahab at sea on the hunt for the white whale. Meanwhile, yet ANOTHER complete overhaul has transpired in the Browns front office, although the latest change includes ownership. Yes, truck-stop magnate and self-aggrandizing reality show star, Jimmy Haslam, ("THE MAN IS WORKING HIS GLUTES ON THE ELLIPTICAL AT 4:30 AM! HE CANNOT BE STOPPED!!") may be the new sheriff in Berea, OH. However, his predecessor in Randolph D. Lerner (the D is for DawgPoundMike) will not soon be forgotten as tomorrow's column will take a special look at the comedy of errors which occurred under Randy's gold encrusted watch.

In the summer of 2011, the Cavs ushered in a new era by drafting precocious 20-year old All-Star and budding superstar, Kyrie Irving. The Pepsi pitchman's arrival to Northeast Ohio has given the area's basketball faithful hope for an eventual return into contention and at the very least ensured safety from being placed into NBA purgatory for the next decade. Across the street from Cleveland's hoops headquarters, two-time World Series champion Terry Francona was somehow sold on the prospects of succeeding a manager in Manny Acta who he was not even the most popular or respected coach on his own staff. Although the ownership and front office were expected to search for their next skipper internally or via the staff members on the Tire World payroll, they were able to land Francona who ostensibly had a plethora of suitors interested in vying for his services. Yet, between his affinity both personally and professionally for Indians President Mark Shapiro and General Manager Chris Antonetti coupled with the unwanted guilt from Bob DiBiasio's inevitable seppuku on Public Square if he turned down the gig, Francona signed on to lead the club from the dugout for the next four years. The hiring along with the Nick Swisher signing has sparked a well-overdue jolt of excitement and optimism in Wahoo World.

Inspired by all three Cleveland professional sports teams's major additions over the past couple of years, we here at the Steamer are about to launch a few of our own exhilarating, even stimulating, new features. Brace yourselves for a Cleveland's Steamer Gift Shop consisting of such essential items as an Eric Snow snow globe, a Spergon Wynn t-shirt prominently displaying the caption "Wynning!" on it, and 58 of Greg Little's 75 parking tickets during his college tenure. Rest assured that all of your transactions will be safely processed in accordance with the fine people of some Western Union bank in Nigeria, regardless of what anyone from the U.S. Federal Trade Commission may claim! (The vast majority of them are total Steeler honks, anyways.) A Where Are They Now? Cleveland Sports Edition is scheduled to be featured on the site in the very near future with former Cleveland Indians starting pitcher and fugitive of the Albanian government, Dave Burba, selected as the inaugural subject. An entirely new derivation of podcasts entitled "mockcasts" will become a main staple on the blog as will podcasts themselves featuring Steamer contributors along with various esteemed guests. Before you choose to dive head-first into this brave new world which is about to be created, make sure to adhere to your social media duties by "liking" us on Facebook (  and following us on Twitter (@ClevelandsSteam).

2013 is already shaping up to be another year where our beloved, bumbling Browns, Cavs and Indians more often than not find themselves, to quote Cavs swingman and the Oscar Wilde of NBA chuckers, C.J. Miles, "strapped to the toilet." However, unlike in years past, Cleveland's Steamer will be a reliable and enduring source of entertainment, information and therapy for the nation's most beleaguered yet beastly fan base. So, join the pity party and let's berate Joe Banner for having the appearance of a serial sex offender who.just smelled a fresh fart, together!

Kevin Scheid